How You Lose Yourself When You Conform Yourself

“I think everybody’s weird.  We should all celebrate our individuality and not be embarrassed or ashamed of it.” 
-Johnny Depp 

Happy almost Halloween friends!  I ran across this quote the other day and it resonated with me on such a deep level.  I grew up in a family of weirdos, we were jokesters and like any other family we had our fair share of issues but we always found a way to make each other laugh and make light of some seriously fu**ed up scenerios and come out the other side smiling.

My Uncle Steve was one of the goofiest of us all.  He never had children of his own and me and my two little sisters were like his babies.  He spoiled us rotten!  He would play video games with us for hours and he would let us eat as much junk food as we wanted.  He was the epitome of a big kid at heart.  He used to give us one of his big bear hugs and say, “I love my nieces to pieces!”  I remember going to spend the night at his and my Aunt’s house and I would feel so light, so happy, not a care in the world because when we were there, we were there to play and have fun, that was it, pure fun, I loved it!
All the holiday gatherings were brighter and more fun having Uncle Steve’s vibrant, happy and silly soul there.  He kept it light even when the occasional tensions would arise at any type of family gathering.  My Uncle Steve unconciously taught me to embrace the goofy.  Embrace the weird.  It has taken me years to fully lean into my weird, own it, love it and rock it, it’s a process that I am thoroughly enjoying diving into!  He just had that special way of seeing you, almost like you could feel that you could totally be your real authentic self around him and he would still love you the same, quirks and all.

My Uncle Steve passed away on Halloween day 1997 on our front lawn.  He passed away from a heart attack and as my sister and I were walking down our street on our way home from school we saw our Aunt on top of  him crying and beating his chest in a desperate attempt to waken him.  We couldn’t believe our eyes, we thought it was a sick joke.  It can’t be... That’s not, that’s not really Uncle Steve?   We were in shock.
My mom came speeding home from work to find her brother dead and being taken away in the ambulance and her girls a weeping mess on the front porch,  I’ll never forget the look of terror on her face.  She was in a position of complete helplessness, one of the absolute worst feelings for a parent to feel.  We grieved.  We supported one another. We got angry.   We talked, we shared stories.  We stood together through it all.
My friends from school came over and they wanted to take me and my sister trick or treating and we didn’t want to.  We just wanted to stay with the family and cry.  All the adults were at our house and I just felt like we should be there.
My Mom asked me “What would your Uncle Steve want you to do?”
I had my answer.  Of course he would want me to go have fun.  Go out for a little while and get my mind off of all the grief.  Get out of the house of crying for a little while and be a kid, eat as much candy as my little heart desired and honor him in this way.
So that’s exactly what I did.

Uncle Steve has taught me a lesson a long time ago that I am only now starting to really take in and embody.  He taught me to be unapologetic about who I am.  He taught me to have fun in life and not to take myself, others and Life so seriously all the time!  Create time for fun!  Be open about my weirdness and my goofiness!  Because the years I spent conforming to what ‘I thought’ everyone else wanted me to be like was slowly chipping away at my soul until one day I found myself at a place in life where I didn’t even know really who I was anymore.  And that my friend was such a scary place to be.  When we conform we fall prey to becoming someone that we don’t recognize anymore.  That is why Uncle Steve’s lesssons are so vital to me today because I don’t ever want to go back to conforming my values and the way I love to live my life ever again!  I want to stand tall and let my freak flag fly for everyone to see, no matter how goofy, no matter how weird and no matter weather people like me for it or hate me for it!  Because the biggest thing Uncle Steve taught me was that life is Way Too Damn short to spend time caring so deeply about what other people think.  We must live this beautiful gift of a life to the fullest, the funnest and with the things that bring  us the most love and fulfillment.

Remember in your core that you are made of love and light!  The world is  ready and waiting for you to shine your brightness onto the rest of us!  Have a great day my sweet friend!  MUAH!!!